There are times, relived again

There are times when I feel myself standing in spirit on the edge of Kealakekua Bay, on Hawai'i island. The slippery rocks are vividly present to the soles of my feet. I can feel the intensity of that place, the quality it holds as a historical and cultural pivot. The mana of it... and deep sadness... I haven't actually been where I feel myself standing. Not this time, anyhow.

There are times when I relive, again, the visions of the two cloud images that formed above me after chanting at Ahu 'Ena heiau in Kailua-Kona on two occasions. Ahu 'Ena was once known for cloud omens, but I didn't know it at the time. But I was rocked by the pictorial clarity of what appeared in the sky, conveying reassurance...

There are times when I feel what it was like to suddenly be "light as a feather" again, dancing over the lava in the middle of Hawai'i moku, just outside the borders of the Pohakuloa military area, on our way to Ahu a 'Umi heiau. This took place during a sixty mile long huaka'i in August, 2004. I must have gone on this way for a mile or two, skimming lightly, gleefully, over the rock tips, while everyone else was crunching along in their boots, wondering how I could be so crazy! Truly, this lightness in walking and travelling over her land was a gift given to me by the ruling spirit of the 'aina. I can scarcely believe I deserve it, but mahalo, mahalo...

There are times when I do feel the "will o the wisp" nature of this current body, and understand that the kind of rootedness of na kanaka maoli is almost incomprehensible to people of my kind and culture. And yet it is something that I yearn for--the connection of hands plunged deeply into a warm red soil, washed by salty water, dried under the heat and breeze of high clouds. But I am in exile, prodigal, slowly working my way back... I'm only allowed brief glimpses of home, a tantalizing taste. Unlike others who blithely migrate from the mainland and settle, I don't think I'll get to live there again this time around. I had a little time there once, to call it home--small kid time, in Waikiki--but that might be all that is granted to me now.

There are times when I feel again that sudden leap into space--suspended in full consciousness, gravity summoned--"what have I done?" Great bitterness, impetuousness, overwhelming grief, anger, even jealousy, so much turmoil, all vanished in the sudden shock of an action which could not be recalled. And there were no more choices. There was only disbelief. And only one result.

Lele from the wrong place, and you'll lose the way back. I've learned that much. And certain people have a memory buried in their bones. This hurt them. They are right to draw back.

And so my spirit wanders, making do in an alien land.